Before attending the School of Christian Leadership (SOCL), my heart was hardened, and I wasn’t fully letting God’s mercy and love into my heart and was quite easily triggered as a result. I also easily found myself slipping into disappointment with myself and God. I think the reason for this was a lot shame being built up in me. I didn’t want to bring this shame to light and kept it away from others and God. I had forgotten the freedom that came with letting Jesus shine His light into my sin, brokenness and shame – and to wholeheartedly receive forgiveness from Him. Whenever I prayed, I noticed that I shied away from offering up certain things in prayer as I felt that they were too shameful for Jesus to see and that I wasn’t worthy of letting Him minister to me in these areas where I had intentionally chosen to run away. I had forgotten that my God is a merciful God and that He died for me while I was still a sinner. I didn’t have the courage to claim this love for myself and as time passed, this shame built up in a hidden corner of my heart.
Through SOCL, Jesus gently reminded me to take notice of the darkness in my heart that I had kept hidden. I was given this image of a cave within me. I was standing outside this dark cave and standing guard. And if standing guard outside the cave wasn’t enough, I chose to lock the entrance to the cave very tightly and threw the key far, far away. I didn’t want to enter this cave and definitely didn’t want to let Jesus in either. As the days went by, Jesus slowly moved my heart and gave me the courage to hold His hand and let Him shine light into this cave of mine. I learnt again what it means to be open to the love of Jesus, which was to give Him my entire heart in full, not just the nice looking bits. Jesus also revealed to me that one of the main reasons why I didn’t want to face this darkness was also because I chose not to forgive myself in many situations – and clung on to the pain I inflicted on myself. Because of this pain, I ended up avoiding it all together. This was hard for me to accept because I’m very used to blaming myself for a lot of things, but I think it is also something that I am very thankful for because this indeed prevents me from letting Jesus touch and love me in my brokenness and when I fall away from Him.
Today, I choose to claim the truth that darkness has no hold on me. Whatever Jesus reveals, He heals. Whatever broken parts I have, even if I’m trembling and resisting to offer them up, I choose to offer these up to the Lord in trust that He loves me and desires to bring me out of my darkness. I claim that Jesus is the light in my life. This light of Jesus shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not and will not overcome it. Letting the light of Jesus into my darkness is no longer scary, but redeeming. Jesus is the Name above all Names, He can save and restore me. I choose not to run away from his mercy in my brokenness, because these times are when I need him more. Dear friends, Jesus seeks us even in our brokenness, will you trust Him and let Him shine His light into your darkness too?
I claim that Jesus is the light in my life. This light of Jesus shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not and will not overcome it.