Hello I’m Patricia! I’m in Year 1 this year, studying Psychology and Linguistics. This is my testimony. 

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I grew up rather independent and self-reliant. Having siblings, who needed more care and attention, taught me that I needed to make things less difficult for my parents by depending on myself. Even though I craved to be loved, I felt that it was selfish for me to speak of it or desire it, knowing that others needed it more.

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It was later revealed to me when I first encountered the Lord at the School of Witness back in 2020, that this self-reliance had manifested itself in my controlling nature and inability to completely trust in the Lord. I felt like I could only rely on myself and often forbade myself from making requests that would burden others. Being self-reliant, made me believe in the lie that I had to know everything, and that I had to be in control of every aspect of my life. I felt like I had to look out for myself, because no one else did. I feared too that the Lord would forget about me while tending to the needs of his other children, who seemed like they needed him more.

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But, it was also then that I came to know how personal and loving the Lord is. That he has not once forgotten about me and has great and marvellous plans for my life. I began to deepen my trust in Him.

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However, upon entering university, my faith was shaken. I felt apprehensive. I had no idea where my life was headed, and I could not see any purpose in what I was doing. I was filled with a lot of insecurity because the people around me seemed to have all the answers, while all my thoughts were still questions. What do you want to do in future? Do you even like what you are studying? What is your life’s purpose?

It was then that I felt utterly lost and really struggled to see what plans the Lord had for me. The lies that the Lord has forgotten about me and that he has abandoned me began to creep in. I could feel the Truths that I had resolutely claimed for myself beginning to slip from my hands. I could not understand why I had to go through so much, while my peers were enjoying their first semester in University.

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I entered into a period of spiritual dryness. I felt like I could not reach out to him nor the people around me, for I was simply too embarrassed of how everything panned out within the span of a year. But deep in my heart I knew that this could not be the end, and that I cannot give up on my faith.  

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I fought everyday in prayer to keep this faith that the Lord had won for me. I prayed for a renewed desire to love him and desperately sought to reencounter the Lord and to be close to him again. This led me to sign up for the Combined University Retreat in December.

The days leading up to CUR were trying for me because I feared that everything would remain unchanged even after the retreat. I did not think that the Lord could administer to me through Zoom, especially in the presence of technical difficulties.

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But I had severely underestimated what God is capable of.

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During the session on the Father’s love, I came faced with the fact that I will only know who I am and what my purpose is, if I knew who I belonged to. It dawned on me that I felt abandoned and forsaken because I had chosen to live like an orphan. In my fear of burdening him, I had pushed him away. I sought to rely on my own strength and knowledge to carry me through life, even though I was severely limited. I had trusted myself more than I trusted him. I had also been too prideful and insecure to let go of the control over my own life and surrender it to him.

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As I gazed at the Blessed Sacrament through my screen, I had an image of myself as the prodigal son running home to the Father. It was liberating. I felt like I could finally breathe again. I was so encapsulated by the loving face of God in the Eucharist, that the fear and anxiety that hovered over me began to wane. It gave me the courage to ask the Lord, “where have you been?” And to that, a monosyllabic reply: “Here.”

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He had been here the whole time, guiding my every step, even when I failed to acknowledge his presence. Regardless of how many times I stumble and fall, he continues to draw me back to him, and paves the way for my redemption. This was also a reminder for me about how easy it was for my faith to be shaken and also how important and necessary it is to be firmly rooted in the Lord, such that in situations like this, I will not be uprooted.

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Although nothing much has changed in my circumstances and I still struggle to answer those questions, I choose to believe that this is where the Lord has called me to be, and when he desires for me to move, he will make a way for me. As of now, I can be rest assured that he holds my future close to his heart, and that he is taking care of everything. I reclaim today that he is trustworthy and dependable, and that he has the capacity to care and love me too.

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He is a good good Father who welcomes us home to him everyday. He desires for all of us to return to him, in whatever state that we are in. So, will you allow yourself to be embraced by the Father?